Thoughts
by cazlove
Summary: A oneshot of a night that Edward watches Bella sleep. Fluff. Pure fluff. R&R, please!


**A/N: Um. This is just a oneshot that I thought of one night when I couldn't sleep. (That happens too often.) It's fluff, and pure fluff, but I'd love for you to review. My first fanfic that I'm opening to the public, and I'd love your commentary. :D**

**I think Edward thinks too much. O-o**

**And it's harder than I thought to write from his point of view, but that could just be the whole 'he's-a-guy-and-when-I-write-in-first-person-it's-usually-a-girl' thing. **

**But he's… interesting, to say in the least.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or New Moon. Thanks for reminding me.**

It was useless, I found, to stay away from my Bella even when she was asleep. As I sat in the rocking chair I frequented while she slept, I couldn't help but wonder how I had survived those long months without her. It was unbearable, but even that was an understatement. Horrific was a good word. Insufferable, abhorrent.

But of course I regretted it. Every hour that I couldn't see her, every day that went by without her voice, her smell. I'm sure Bella didn't fare much better, either. When she told me about the hole in her chest, I wanted to erase the past so I could have been with her. Then, when she told me what she had done to get through the months? It was terrifying. My Bella, deliberately getting into trouble?

And the fact that Bella couldn't stay away from the trouble, purposely or not. I played with the thought. Was that my fault as well? Sure, she was naturally clumsy, but the whole incident with James was my fault. And Bella getting into trouble just to hear my voice? That was definitely my fault. I remembered something that Jasper had once thought; something about me being a masochist. _Well, I can't help it if I am, _I thought, shifting my gaze down to where Bella was stirring slightly. _I'm in love._

Bella blinked a couple of times, smiling when she saw me. "Hi," she said sleepily, propping herself up so she could see me better. Oh, what I wouldn't give to be able to hear what she was thinking.

"Good morning," I replied, instantly by her side.

She grabbed my hand. "What time is it?" Her eyes darted towards the alarm clock: 1:17. "Oh."

I chuckled softly, gazing into her chocolate eyes. I think I was– what was it Bella called it?–dazzling her, because her heart started racing and she stopped breathing. "Breathe, Bella," I murmured, and I could hear her breath returning.

"Thanks for reminding me," she mumbled, looking down, presumably so I couldn't see her blush.

With two fingers, I tipped her chin up so I could see her. "You're beautiful, Bella. Why would you try to hide your face?"

She blushed again. "Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Dazzling me." Damn. I'd been caught.

"But isn't it good if I dazzle you?" A smile tugged at my lips.

"If you dazzle me," she said, smugly, "I can't breathe."

"Well, breathing is good. For you, anyway." I regretted the words the second they were spoken.

"We can do something about that," she said.

Why couldn't she see I wasn't willing to change her, to make her give up her humanity? The blush that so often painted her cheeks, her warmth, the ability to grow up, to have children and experience the wonders of life my family and I were left out of… I would be killing her. And quite simply, I couldn't do that.

But my mind was still uneasy: how would I survive without her once she died? Bella, dying. The thought was almost as unbearable as changing her. I told her I would go to the Volturi, but how would my family react? Would they attempt a stunt like the one before when we were all in Italy? But Bella had been the one to save me then, anyway. I pushed the thought away. There was no way I was going to think about this now.

"You look distracted." She frowned, cupping my face in her hands. She felt so warm against my cold skin. "Is everything okay?"

"Fine. I was just thinking."

"About?"

I laughed softly. "You, of course." Okay, so it was a half-truth. And since I wasn't about to lie to her ever again, I could never tell her that I was actually considering changing her. Or would that be too selfish? Even if Bella _did_ want to be changed, would I do it just so I would have the love of my life with me for all of eternity?

It was amazing how the millions of thoughts running through my head could be silenced with just one kiss.

**A/N2: REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW! Hate it? Love it? Want me to stop writing forever so your eyes stop bleeding? Just click the 'Go' button. :D Don't be afraid to be harsh.**


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